borat. 2!

and then i do a sick leap

A note: last week you received the a BNet on Friday and I forgot to put this note at the top of it. BNet’s formerly Saturday newsletters are coming out on Friday now. I kept procrastinating every week and then I’d have to spend some of my Saturday working on it and honestly, no thanks. So it’s on Friday now. Sorry to anyone disappointed by this. Just save it til Saturday if you care so much.

Earlier today, news broke, following weeks of rumors, that Amazon was all set to release Borat 2. Borat’s back, baby! Right when we need him most. Very nice! Did I manifest this by teaching my 1-year-old niece back in January to say “wah wah wee wah” and “mah wife” in her little baby voice? It’s impossible to know for sure.

Anyway,

Borat 2

…or should I say:

I know 90 percent of the people reading this understand the joke but allow me to explain it to those who are still a bit lost. Back in 2013, one of the most popular casual games on the market was a game called Peggle, made by a studio called PopCap Games. It’s kind of like pachinko — you fire a ball and it bounces off of stuff and you get a score at the end based on all of the things it bounced off of.

In the summer of 2013, at Microsoft’s annual E3 press conference, PopCap co-founder John Vechey, seen above, came out to announce the follow up to the smash-hit that was Peggle. He congratulated his fellow presenters and then said:

I’d say I was speechless, but I have one more thing to announce, coming this year… Peggle! 2!

And then he did this weird jump in place — his shirt came up revealing his midriff, he jumped with such forced — and slammed his hand down almost to the stage. “Ode To Joy” started playing (Peggle uses it heavily) and a big number 2 appeared on the jumbotron over the stage. And then he walked off. It was an immensely strange way to close the segment. “Peggle! 2!” and then he just ran off.

I am not joking when I say that any time I think about a first sequel to something, I think of this clip. Any time the number 2 comes up, I think about this guy, and how excited and awkward his announcement of Peggle 2 was. I think of the feeble leap into the air. It is impossible to shake out of my head.

I am not alone in this. Around the web, and on Tumblr in particular, Gifs of Vechey’s awkward announcement have become so famous and well-known that they don’t need a caption. You just see the picture and you hear the proclamation in your head. Gold 2. Prohibition 2. Breath of the Wild 2. I saw this really good one-two punch the other day:

If I’ve had to endure the last seven years with this thing stuck in my head now, you do… 2!


Crusader Kings 3 patch notes

This morning, the makers of Crusader Kings 3 put out patch notes for the game’s first big update. CK3 is, if I’m understanding correctly, a medieval government simulator with a heavy emphasis on family lineage. It’s patch notes are The Sims-level in both their detail and absurdity. Here are some of my favorite bullet points.

  • Giving away a holding of the wrong type as an ambitious or greedy character will no longer incur stress

  • Increased cooldown on asking vassal to convert faith to 15 years

  • It is now harder to murder someone you're at war with, or murder their vassals/courtiers

  • Reclusive characters will no longer host feasts

  • Removed the stress loss for lustful characters when renouncing celibacy, as it could lead to free stress loss

  • The AI will now take age and fertility into account when marrying away any character of a reputable house, not only their own. This should make it less likely for interesting characters to end up in fruitless marriages.

  • The holder of Jerusalem is now unlikely to accept Populist demands

  • You must be at peace to create a new faith.

  • Reduced the chance of children reincarnating with an ancestor's sinful personality traits

  • Your children will no longer leave your court just because they're bold. So daughters won't run off in male-dominated society, and sons won't run off in female-dominated society

  • A zealous character will now sweat a bit about committing adultery

  • Barons married to other landed characters will no longer be naked

  • Children are no longer encouraged to pick up more spouses

  • Children can no longer be educated by hardened criminals

  • Children can no longer start a literalist debate

  • Historical characters will no longer be their own parent

  • Naughty children go straight to jail with no education

  • You can no longer attempt to find dead people's secrets

  • You can no longer demand liberty from a chill liege

What a game!


Elsewhere…


Thank you for reading BNet. I realize today’s newsletter is both very late, and video game-heavy, and I feel bad about that, so as penance, here is a link to the blog posts I have to write for software engineering bootcamp. (The curriculum requires us to write these as a way of networking and building a brand, but you will NEVER catch me blogging on Medium.)