turkey crimes

the Chefclub people should be in jail

For the past couple of days, I have been playing the new blockbuster video game, The Last of Us Part II. Set in the aftermath of an outbreak that has killed most of humanity and left the survivors to brutally fight for scraps, it is a non-stop slog of misery and torment. The game features some truly garish bodily mutilation and seems to revel in it.

Anything that game has to offer, however, is the second-worst thing I’ve had to look at this week. The first is this, from Tumblr:

There is an argument to be made that Tasty videos are the worst thing humankind has ever conjured up. I am kidding, obviously, kind of. Those fast-motion videos of people making food monstrosities that are designed to look good rather than taste good have completely ruined our relationship with food. For a few years, the worst criminals on earth have worked at a European outlet called Chefclub devising horror movies that Blumhouse couldn’t even imagine. The Chefclub videos always seem to be at the edges of my vision, hanging on the periphery like a star that appears brighter when you look at it indirectly. To stare at it head-on would be to look straight into the heart of darkness.

I have watched the full video of this turkey being prepared and it is a masterpiece? A wonder of rising and falling action that set my heart racing. I encourage you to view the full thing for yourself but as a public service, here is what happens.

First, the turkey marinates in a plastic tub with salt, brown sugar, and Tabasco. We watch these ingredients cascade over the dead bird, moving like terrain in a Roland Emmerich film.

Then the turkey gets coated in melted butter and someone shoves potato into it. Then, an impressively large block of cheese enters the cavity. The cheese insertion is shown from multiple angles, like the jump Jackie Chan makes at the end of Police Story.

Next… Flamin' Hot Cheetos. A perfect twist. I wish someone would come to my apartment and cave my head in with a hammer, Last Of Us-style.

What are they gonna do with the Cheetos? you ask. Are they going inside the bird? You simpleton.

So this thing gets flung into the oven. Then they pull it out and pry it apart much in the same way that ribs get pried open during surgery. Just ghastly stuff.

The block of cheese has melted over the potatoes, which get mashed up. The end result? Turkey-flavored potato-y cheese slurry with a Flamin' Hot garnish.

Kinda wanna try it though.

For those wondering, The Last of Us Part II starts really slow and you have to get like halfway throguh it before you realize what it’s doing, its one big trick. That trick, however, does not make up for serious pacing issues!


This guy made a Face Depixelizer.

I don’t think I have to explain to you that this is bullshit, right? Computers cannot conjure up information that doesn’t exist. “Zoom in and enhance” is largely science fiction. Also, given the current events, in which protesters charged with crimes are being identified using images on social media, and so many people have been warning protesters not to post photos online, the impulse to come up with a Face Depixelizer is cop behavior.

With that out of the way we can acknowledge that it’s kinda funny though.


Thank you for reading BNet. Cook your turkey the normal way, please, I am begging you.